For Sale ~ Apple Doorstop from $1

Take advantage of this New Year opportunity to acquire this never-before-seen Apple Doorstop, guaranteed to hold back the heaviest door, even in a strong wind. Exquisitely engraved with the famous Apple logo, this original doorstop will announce your sophistication and sheer good taste to your friends and other visitors. Give yourself a headstart in the Apple Doorstop stakes and place your bid now in the comment box below. Please also add a sentence of up to 12 worlds explaining why you should win the auction. A combination of the highest bid and most imaginative sentence will win the auction.

Wordchecker
doorstop (noun): a fixed or heavy object that keeps a door open or stops it from banging against a wall (source: Apple Dictionary)

Bonus multi-function adaptation
Your Apple Doorstop will also function as a magnificent Apple Room Heater to keep any house warm during inclement weather. The Apple Doorstop is cleverly designed to pump out vast quantites of heat, well in excess of anything you would need to keep even an Arctic house warm and habitable. When the house gets too warm, simply unplug the device for a while.

How am I able to offer the Apple Doorstop at such an incredibly low starting price?
As the Mac devotees among you will have spotted, the Apple Doorstop is actually an Apple Time Capsule, marketed by Apple as the ultimate wireless backup device which you install and forget, letting it work its magic of seamlessly backing up your Mac computers and any other computers on your network without further intervention. All this for a retail price of a mere $300. In line with an increasing number of Apple products, however, it is “not fit for purpose”, or put another way all the Apple marketing hype is “bullshit“. The Apple Time Capsule is a “load of crap” and essentially sells only because Apple lies about its capabilities. (Don’t take my word for it. Just google “apple time capsule bullshit” or “apple time capsule problems”.) Fortunately, after hours of research and experimentation I have discovered that it does function perfectly as a doorstop, and in addition will amaze you by the amount of heat it gratuitously pumps out (all Apple products “run hot”) when connected to the mains to function as a room heater. (Note though that in doorstop mode there is no need to connect the device to the mains.)

Please leave your bid and your tie-breaker sentence of up to 12 words in the comment box below.