Learn English with Teacher Joe

A story for my students

Besides the 10th and 11th grade classes I was scheduled to teach this semester, I am also teaching 7th, 8th and 9th graders. It’s quite a challenge, especially since these 7th, 8th and 9th graders are all together in one class. It doesn’t help that most of them have poor study habits. They lose books, notebooks, pens and pencils. They forget homework assignments. They put things in their lockers then forget their locker keys at home. They dump things on the floor, throw things in the general vicinity of the garbage can, and spill things without ever bothering to clean up. During class, they are more interested in talking with their friends than in studying. It has been a battle trying to get them to pay attention and actually learn something. I keep on trying every day, teaching them history and language arts. Maybe I’m winning some battles, while losing others. Am I winning the war? I’m not sure and won’t have a clear idea until the semester ends in January. My students did write some interesting stories recently. We worked on describing a character, establishing a setting, choosing a problem, and working out a solution to that problem. After reading my students’ stories last weekend, I was inspired to write the story below. I don’t know if it will be funny to you, but my students laughed a lot when reading it. Of course, they know me as “Mr. DeVeto the Mosquito” (why do I have to teach POETRY???) and are aware of my favorite food. The past three months of getting to know me helps them understand the humor in the story. I hope somebody out there enjoys this…

Once upon a time there was a teacher named Velveeto. The great thing about Mr. Velveeto was that he smelled like cheese. Whenever he got near his classroom, all of his students would close their eyes, take in the beautiful smell, and feel happy. Once inside the classroom, all of his students were quiet and peaceful, just content to smell Mr. Velveeto and listen to his soft, soothing, yellowish words. They would sit around the classroom in a half-circle and feel lucky to have such a delicious-smelling teacher!

In our world today, though, nothing is perfect. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Mr. Velveeto’s cheese-based world turned more full of holes than Swiss cheese. He was in a hurry to get to his class which was quite a distance from his previous class. As he entered the classroom, he was too busy trying to remember the day’s plan to notice the change. He put his bag of books (he called it his “bag of tricks”) on his chair, and pulled out his notes and some blank paper. He pulled out his three heavy history books and put them on his desk with a thud. Slowly, he lifted his head as terror spread throughout his body. He would have screamed but he was much too afraid. All of his students, all thirteen of them, had transformed. Their uniforms were the same, and underneath their desks he could see their legs and feet were normal. But from the necks up, these 13 super sweet, wonderful, engaging little darlings were big, fat rats! Rats with long, sharp teeth. Rats with claws that could grab cheese and bring that cheese to its hungry mouth. The students all looked at Mr. Velveeto and you could almost see the thoughts swirling around in their heads. They hardly seemed to know their teacher, but the smell was obvious. The man who walked into their classroom was NOT a teacher. He was a delicious snack!

The rat-children chattered endlessly. They dropped paper and books and pencils all over the floor. They pushed desks all over the room. Sometimes, they walked around the room, all the while never taking their eyes off of the delectable cheese-flavored man in front of them. They started to smack their lips. They all started moving slowly toward Mr. Velveeto. He knew this could be the end for him. He could be eaten up by his students, one painful nibble at a time! It didn’t seem possible, yet here he was, surrounded by the big fat half-rats. Suddenly, an idea came to him!

There was no time to lose. He picked up his seventh grade history book and said loudly, open your books to page 37. Did you read about the Viking raids on England, as I asked you to do for homework? Most of the rat-headed children didn’t pay attention and kept on moving closer. Two or three of them, however, hesitated. They went back to their desks and got out their books, even though they could not read very well with tiny, little rat-eyes. Eleven big-nosed, sharp-toothed creatures closed in on Mr. Velveeto when he shouted out loud, “Now for you eighth graders, open your books to page 48″, and he picked up their history textbook to show them he was serious. Only one rat-child, a chubby, fast-talking rat wearing a black baseball cap, opened his book, and Mr. Velveeto wondered if his idea was too little, too late. But when the rat in the black hat stopped to open his book, the others stopped to talk to him. Obviously, he was one of their leaders.

The waves of child-rats started to lessen. Next, Mr. Velveeto said, “Now, ninth graders, read from pages 24 to 46 and draw a map that includes all of the major civilizations of the 16^th and 17^th centuries.” Two rats started to think. It looked as if those rat-heads were going to explode! Finally, Mr. Velveeto shouted to all of the rat-kiddies, “Now let’s make a timeline, based on all of the pages we have studied so far”. To his surprise, all of the little rats got to work.

Mr. Velveeto’s idea worked like magic. One rat head slowly started to disappear, and turned into a Beijing duck! Another turned into the Sun! Yet another became a Rose. One became an owl, just screeching “Hu, Hu”. After a few minutes of thinking about history, and the great changes that human beings have gone through, the rat-children realized their true place in the universe is to be human, to be kind, helpful little humans, to learn about their world and prepare for their futures. And so the story ended, but in fact, it was only the beginning. The children’s change into rats had so shocked Mr. Velveeto that he finally was transformed too. He was no longer a teacher. He was now… a pizza!

 I decided to add some excitement to my life in Beijing. I went shopping. For vegetables. The truly hilarious thing is, I actually bought some. Carrots. Nice color. I could sit and look at that pretty orange color all day. (Has my work exhausted me this much or has it just rendered me brain-dead?) I used to buy carrots in the supermarket. Just passing by the veggie section on my way to the fat aisle, I would pick up a few dead plants, so that I could appear vaguely healthy to other shoppers. They didn’t take any extra effort to buy, so who could blame me? And sometimes I even ate what I bought! Take that, meat eaters! In the nearby market, on the other hand, buying veggies can be a full-time job. You have to compare prices first. How much are these? Can you make it “one dot cheaper”? Are you trying to cheat a poor, lonely, down-on-his-luck foreigner? (Don’t ask me how to say that in Chinese, you just have to fake it.) Next, you have to go through the long, difficult selection process. These are a bit too thick. Those look more yellow than orange. These ones look more fresh, but those ones are closer to the door in case I need to make a quick escape. When you finally make your choice, you then have to give the veggies a physical check-up. Get up on the scale, let’s see how much you weigh. Do some quick calculations, check the vendor’s math, reach deep into your pockets for the 11 cents, and be on your way. So it took all day, and cost me an arm and a leg, so what? Now I am the proud owner of three carrots. No wait, two carrots, I just ate one while typing this. The point is, I’m happy with my day’s work, and that’s all that counts, right?